


Words Unsaid

by woodlandfae (Lakaria_Katie)



Category: A Court of Thorns and Roses Series - Sarah J. Maas
Genre: Angst, Depression, Gen, Nesta deserved better than she got in ACOSF, Nesta is dealing with her trauma, Oneshot, Trauma, acosf, post ACOWAR, the cauldron - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-03-05
Updated: 2021-03-05
Packaged: 2021-03-18 19:01:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 604
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29862636
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lakaria_Katie/pseuds/woodlandfae
Summary: A glimpse into Nesta's mindset pre ACOSF and her struggles with depression, trauma, and loss.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 13





	Words Unsaid

**Author's Note:**

> Trying to get into Nesta’s head a little and flesh out her choices post ACOWAR. Full disclosure I didn’t like ACOSF, Nesta deserved a book that actually tried to understand her, not vilify and change her. 
> 
> Feyre and co. seemed all too happy to identify all Nesta's self-destructive behaviours without taking time to understand why she engaged in those behaviours and how it fed into her trauma and depression. 
> 
> This is my attempt at a more nuanced take. 
> 
> I've never written fic before so be kind XD

It was a regular argument between them

_“Why can’t you just come with me and Elain? The estate will have rooms for all of us.”_

_“I think there are better uses for my time than furniture shopping.”_

_“Like what? Drinking yourself to death in that sorry excuse of an apartment? I want to help you—“_

_“Don’t lecture me about my choices”_

_“We’re a family, we should be together.”_

_“Leave me alone.”_

If she wasn’t arguing with Feyre over her sheer contempt at the thought of helping decorate that new river estate, they were arguing over her living arrangements; her drinking, her sexual habits. It was exhausting.

  
Nesta pulled the blanket she had wrapped around her shoulders more tightly around herself and brought her knees up to her chest. She was currently sitting in the clawfoot bathtub that filled her small bathroom. The white porcelain was cold to the touch sending icy shivers from her toes to the points of her ears.

The bathtub had been the first thing she had noticed when she first saw this apartment. Standing out amongst the grime and filth, it seemed an anomaly. Too large for the bathroom it stood in as if the builders had found it discarded from some wealthy house. But it was the shape of the tub that had attracted Nesta. Deep and long, standing on three legs. So similar to…

Clenching her eyes shut she slipped deeper into the tub and curled up on her side. _I am not there._

She couldn’t remember when she had first started doing this. Lying here in an empty tub shutting out the world around her. Her obsession with the tub had initially been about overcoming the terror of been submerged in water. Nesta Archeron would not be cowed by something as innocuous as water.

Starting with her toes, she slowly worked until she could slip her whole body into the water without breaking down into a state of panic. She would heat the water until it was so hot it stung her skin and left welts on her body long afterwards; anything to fight the unbearable cold of the cauldron. She could still feel it; that cold. Deathly cold. Some nights she would startle awake clawing at her chest as the cold sought to wrap its fingers around her heart. _It’s all in my head. It’s all in my head._

Now she sought out the cool embrace of the tub when she felt overwhelmed. There were so many words unsaid between her and Feyre. But for all their angry words and hurt feelings they seemed incapable of talking about anything that actually mattered.

_What does it matter that I live in a hovel and drink to excess when I’m drowning?_

_  
I’m drowning Feyre. I’m still in that cauldron. I’m still under that black water and I can’t get out._

_While you are living your new life my life is decaying around me. While you have been decorating your new home with your new family I’ve been drowning. I’m still drowning._

_The water. The pain. The fear.  
  
I’m scared.  
_

But Feyre never asked and Nesta didn’t have the words. Not the right words.

So she said nothing, unless it was to lash out and keep her sisters at arms length, and retreated to her shabby apartment. She would continue her nights of sensory numbing drinking and sex. But when the outside world became too overwhelming, when the guilt and fear became too much she would grab a blanket and sink into the hollow bathtub. Her body shaking with silent sobs as she continued to drown.

_Alone. All Alone._


End file.
